The Evening Post
April 7, 2000

LOTR Script Captured
Steve Davis

Note: For those of you who don't notice, this is a NOT a true excerpt from the LOTR script, but is just ah humorous article put together for April Fool's.

Here is some LOTR script captured by some of our elite spies. It appears that PJ has decided to transform LOTR into a middle-earth version of Star Wars.
The Scene: the Chamber of Mazarbul, in the Mines of Moria, just after the Orcs have begun their attack.

The Cast:    Aragorn. (Han Solo)
                  Arwen (Leia)
                  Leafie the ent (Chewie)
                  Legolas the elf, a.ka. Lukelas (Luke)
                  Gimli – removed
                  Boromir – removed
                  Gandalf –Obi Wan Kenobit
                  Frodo a.ka. the droid R0 –D0 (R2D2)
                  Sam a.k.a the droid C-Gamgee (C-3PO)
                  Merry – ewok
                  Pippin – ewok.  
Heavy feet were heard in the corridor. Leafie flung himself against the door and heaved it to; then he wedged it with broken sword-blades and splinters of wood. The Company retreated to the other side of the chamber. But they had no chance to fly yet. There was a blow on the door that made it quiver; and then it began to grind slowly open, driving back the wedges. A huge arm and should, with a dark skin of greenish scales, was thrust through the widening gap. Then a great flat, toeless foot was forced through below. There was a dead silence outside.
Aragorn drew Anduril from his sheath.
“Watch this!” he smirked. He leapt forward and hewed at the arm with all his might, but his sword burst asunder, with a flash of flame.
“Watch what?” Arwen asked sarcastically.
“It’s not my fault...it’s not my fault! Those elves in Rivendell...they told me they fixed it! It’s not my fault!”
RO-DO bleeps.
Leafie rumbles “So hasty...so hasty.”
C-Gamgee says “Oh dear.”
The door was thrust open, and multitudes of orcs, wearing face-concealing helmets, rushed in. They instantly began hacking at everything in sight, often hewing down each other in their enthusiasm.
“Stand back everybody!” yelled Gandalf. He ignited his lightsaber, the ring of power embedded in the handle pulsating and glowing. The lightsaber whipped through orcs at an astonishing speed. Soon, not a live orc was left alive inside the chamber.
“Quick, while we have the chance!” The company followed gandalf down the stairs, with Aragorn bringing up the lead after scooping up the shards of Anduril. He and Leafie were trying to bind them together with some twine.
The company raced down winding stairs and through dark passages, ever descending to the lower levels of the main gate. Joy leapt in their hearts as they saw the front hall before them. They sprinted forward, hoping to get across the narrow bridge before the pursuing orcs caught up with them.
Suddenly, they all skidded to a halt. A vast figure of flame and smoke loomed over them, blocking their path to the bridge.
“A Balrog....” Legolas whispered in dread.
“Leave this to me. I’ll get us out of this” Gandalf strode forward. He made a small sign with his hand and spoke.
“You do not need to block our path.”
The Balrog looked puzzled.
“You do not need to block our path.” Gandalf said more distincly.
“I...I do not need to block your path,” the balrog wheezed perplexedly.
“These are not the hobbits you’re looking for.”
“These...these are not the hobbits I am looking for.”
“We may go on our way.”
“You may go on your---wait a minute!” The Balrog said wrathfully, as the spell was broken. His sword glowed red as the leapt forward.
“Prepare to die!”
**They fight.**
“Your powers are weak, old man!” taunted the Balrog.
“If you strike me down now, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.” Gandalf returned.
**They fight some more.**
“Do something!” Arewn hissed.
“Uh....” said Aragorn decisively.
Gandalf and the Balrog teeter dangerously at the edge of the chasm, swords whirling. Suddenly, the Balrog slips past Gandalf’s guard and smites him, sending him spinning outward into space.
“GANDAAAAAAAAAALF!” screams Legolas in agony.
The Balrog lets out a roar of triumph.
Pippin the Ewok, however, has crept closer, and now jabs the Balrog in the leg with his sharpened stick. The Balrog jumps, startled, and loses his balance, plunging with a dismal wail into the abyss.
“Not bad for a little fur-ball.” Aragon says condescendingly.
“Can we get moving?” snaps Arwen.
“Certainly, your highness-ness.”
Suddenly, orcs flood out of the alcoves and caves along the side of the great hall. The company scampers across the bridge, in full retreat.
“Blast the bridge, kid!” bawls Aragorn.
Legolas looks a bit indecisive, but finally fires an arrow at the bridge. It strikes away a support, and the whole structure, laden with orcs, collapses into the chasm.
The company is safe, but already they are arguing over which road to take now. Arwen wants to return to the elven lands to help defend them, but Aragorn wants to go to Minas Tirith to get his sword fixed.
“You care nothing about the elves or anyone else!” snaps Arwen.
“Uh, I care.” Legolas interposes.
This particular piece of script ended here. Apparently in his haste to secure the precious document, our spy made off with an incomplete document.Perhaps more can be purloined later.