June 8, 2001

The Grim Truth to Jackson's LOTR

LOTR purists, prepare to be shocked and stunned! Gasp, horror! The truth of Jackson's handling of LOTR is finally out! Y'all ready for this?

1. Arwen will slay the Lord of the Nazgul on the Pelannor Fields.
2. Eowyn will be killed off at Helm's Deep.
3. Sauron will be shown NOT as an eye, but as a character similar to Star War's Daarth Maul - horns and all!
4. The dialogue will include phrases such as "Way to go!", "Right behind ya, buddie!" and "Eat steel, sucker!"
5. There will be no blood spattering anywhere in the battle scenes... to keep in with the new PG rating.
6. There will be no scenes of any humans, elves, dwarves or orcs being beaten or bruised... Frodo in Minas Morgul will just suddenly have some dark smudges on his face, and look a little thin and upset ... (PG rating, again)
7. Shelob has been cut out completely. (Too scary... goodbye PG rating
8. The Ring Wraiths and Illuvatar/Eru will be referred to as "The Really Really Bad Guys in Black" and "The Feeling of Big Niceness". (To avoid any references to supernatural themes - otherwise, bye-bye PG rating)
9. A special 18 minute long sequence (newly added) will feature Tom Bombadil and the hobbits dancing and singing along the Withywindle.  The song they sing, "Bombadil Goes a'Boatin'!" will be one of seventeen songs to be released on a special LOTR soundtrack CD appropriately named "Ding a-Dong Ding, It's Lord Of The Ring!"

Editor's Note: For those of you who have absolutely NO sense of humor, the above information is NOT accurate... it's just a joke.