March 14, 2003

Mordor Ready to Go It Alone for Peace
Sam Ford

Text of Lord Sauron’s speech as reported in “The Morgul News”

“People of Mordor, we in the East have done too little for too long to control the proliferation of Ring technology across Middle Earth, technology originally developed by top Mordor scientists at the world famous Mt Doom Defense and Civil Protection Laboratories. Only Mordor could have developed Ring technology, and only Mordor can be trusted to use it responsibly for the stability of Middle Earth.

Yet there is clear and mounting evidence (which, for security reasons, I cannot give you) that several Elvish states have illegally acquired Ring technology, and are using it to prop up their totalitarian regimes. Rivendell and Lothlorien are only the most obvious cases in a long list of suspect rogue states, the so-called Axis of Elvendom.

We can no longer stand idly by and ignore the possibility that Rings of mass destruction could fall into the hands of fanatical suicide hobbits. Small groups of such hobbits could take advantage of the free movement of Orcs within Mordor to cross our borders with relative ease, and wreak unthinkable destruction, perhaps on the Dark Tower itself.

Surgical strikes against hobbit strongholds in The Shire using the latest smart devilry have successfully overthrown the Shirriff regime and destroyed the hobbits’ underground cave complexes at Michel Delving and Bag End. However, it is feared that the notorious, bearded mastermind of evil, bin Gandalf, may have escaped the destruction and found refuge in Rivendell or one of the other states known to sponsor international wizardry.

Under the repressive rule of the Shirriffs, hobbit women could be stoned for any attempt to play an active part in an Adventure. How different from our own land of Mordor where all Orcs enjoy full equality in the slave pits, while affirmative action campaigns encourage the recruitment and retention of female Ringwraiths.
Surviving hobbits have expressed their gratitude to the Hosts of Mordor who fought for the freedom of both genders to ride ponies, smoke pipes and gather mushrooms. [Health and safety note: mushrooms and tobacco from Farthings under the depleted Shadow of Mordor should be washed thoroughly before consumption.]

The liberation of the Shire was indeed a great achievement, but we in the forces of Good must not allow ourselves to become complacent. The threat to the peace and freedom of Mordor remains. If anything, it is now greater than ever.

The Ring of Mass Domination, missing from our Mount Doom Facility since the setback suffered by Sauron Senior at the end of the Second Millenium, has been found at last. However, we have every reason to believe that it has fallen into enemy hands.

Intelligence sources (which, for security reasons, I cannot cite) report that the Ring was picked up on the Black Market by a miserable creature known as Saddum who has been using it to oppress his own goblins and commit terrorist acts against travelers in the Misty Mountains. Saddum has also abused the power of the Ring to cause unsustainable damage to several endangered species of fish found only in the underground lakes below the goblin caverns.

Saddum is also a known associate of the sinister wizard, bin Gandalf, with whom he has secretly traveled to the Elvish stronghold of Mirkwood, known in turn to associate with the Elves of Lorien, widely believed to be illegally using Ring technology to destabilize the entire Middle Anduin region.

When questioned by the White Council, the creature, Saddum, claimed to have ‘lost’ the Ring several years ago, before his meeting with Gandalf. Does he really expect anyone to believe that without supporting evidence? We demand full documentation showing how and where the loss occurred, and the current whereabouts of the Ring. Anything less will be considered a major failure to comply with the Will of Mordor. We all know what that means.

In the face of Saddum’s flagrant abuses, the White Council remains powerless, or spineless. Our only staunch ally is Saruman Blair of the Many Colours (in dim and distant ages known as Blair the Red). Unfortunately, his famed powers of persuasion appear to have deserted him, and he is now isolated in his former stronghold of Westminster.

We in Mordor must not flinch from decisive action in our quest for peace and stability in Middle Earth. We can no longer afford to delay while the White Council dithers. With the support of Saruman, and the forces of Harad and Khand (to whom Black Aid has recently been quadrupled) we are ready to do whatever may be necessary. In addition to the usual smart devilry and depleted Shadow weapons, we are fully prepared to deploy Nazgul and Rings of Power if this is required to protect our national interests, or to secure liberty, peace, and full Mortal Rights for the oppressed citizens of Elvendom.

If we delay now, we may wake up to find hobbits with Rings of Destruction on the very threshold of Mt Doom. Whoever is not with us is against us. You have been warned.”

Sauron W Sauron, Ringmaster-in-Chief, Lord of the Dark Tower, etc.