March 21, 2005

Accents
Elendur

Way-ul, aa (as in "cat") never say-ud we don't hi-uv a bit of an accent down south, all aa was sayin' was we don't hi-uv nearly nuthin' as funny as them Irish.

Or maybe we do. To have good suthern, follow two basic rules: in certain words, split the middle vowel into two different vowels. Thus "well" becomes "way-ul," said becomes "say-ud," and have "hi-uv." We do this because our ancestors had two much time on their hands (the slaves did all the work), so they elongated their words to last longer. The trick, of course, is to know which words to do this to.

The second rule is never, ever, put the "g" on the end of a gerund or a what's-it-called. The things that end with "ing." I suppose we do this because when the slaves were freed everyone realized they needed the time that they lost from elongating vowels, so they voted to cut out the g's to make up. The former slaves, of course, had been doing this for years. That's why black people can dunk and whites can't. Blacks used their new freedom, combined with not sayin' "g," to grow muscles, while whites voted to remove the "g."

Wow, I just made up the coolest mythology.

But now you now how to speak suthern, as long as you elongate the right vowels.

-Elendur

PS: The plural of "you" is "ya'll." That's important.